Copyright © 2005 Martin Newell
Pepys 0.1 Blogware © Steve Dix
A hospital in the old days.
If I idle too long over the health supplements in the newspapers on Tuesday mornings it can get very confusing for me. There are for instance, a number of things that used to be bad for us that are now thought to be good for us. Conversely, there are other things that used to be good for us that are now bad for us.
Drinking: They've been shouting at us a lot about drinking. Especially since the sorry parade of faceless androids who currently govern the country got in. Drinking's actually quite good for you...especially a bit of red wine or some beer ....or some vodka. Although it does cause skin irritations, headaches, erectile dysfunction and a raft of other things. In moderate quantities though, it promotes benevolence, cures shyness-- and ugliness in your regular partner -- and of course it generally makes you a lovelier man and a much better fighter.
Sunlight:In recent years, the experts have become very afraid of sunlight. They've insisted that we plaster ourselves with high-factor sunblock cream. Today I find out, that many of us are not getting enough sunlight and that the corresponding vitamin deficiencies are making us all ill. So get out there in that sun, 20 minutes in the nude, every morning and sod the experts..and the law.
Germs: They were very afraid of germs. We should all be using some kind of anti-bacterial handwash and spraying all our household surfaces with the sprays. That's what they said. Now they reckon that we don't get exposed to enough germs...and that's why our immunity isn't functioning properly. I'm going to start keeping a chamber pot under the bed again. It just means I'll have to move the guitar cases, the crates of executive delay-cream and the blow-up doll,.I call her Wanda. Worth it though. Probably.
Smoking: They haven't come back to me on this one yet, but I reckon that smoking is actually good for the nation's health and it's only a matter of time before they tell us so. Why? Well for a start, if more of us smoke, we die earlier. The pensions pot therefore, won't have to stretch as far and there'll be more money left over for the National Health Service. There'll also be more people paying tax on the cigarettes, which means perhaps they can pay some cleaners to clean up the all the crap hospitals. Then maybe we can raise the pay of nurses, so we can get some posh ones again like Anita Harris and Julie Christie instead of the slack-jawed, semi-literate charvers spilling catheters all over the bedsheets like the ones we (allegedly) get today. More posh nurses handing out Senior Service full strength cigs on the wards, that's what we need. Oh and doctors should be encouraged to take up smoking pipes again, and standing around in tweed jackets poking at your open wounds with the mouthpiece, going: " Mmm.... yes, yes yes..mmm, I see." I'll tell you what: you never got the half the illness when everybody smoked, did you?
Worth Smoking For : Anita Harris
Exercise: Exercise is great. Going to work on a bike. Walking to the pub. Having a bit of 'rodeo-time' with the Russian au pair, when the wife's out carrying the shopping back from town (another form of valuable exercise). These are all good for you. What isn't good for you, is putting on a stupid tracksuit and then driving to a gymnasium. Unless of course it's a proper gymnasium, supervised by a man in black tights, a stripey grandad-shirt, a big handlebar moustache and hair all plastered down with macassar oil. A proper gymnasium needs coconut matting, a vaulting horse, a boxing ring and some sort of a treadmill -- or it's only a poncy beauty parlour, really, isn't it? Jogging is worse than useless. And you can forget yoga, pilates ( which I initially thought was an Italian side-order) reflexology and reiki (which is probably a Japanese watch). There are simple exercises you can do at home, of course. Punching yourself in the face is one. Even someone stuck in a bath-chair can strengthen their arm-muscles and face-muscles by the simple expedient of drinking out of a pint tankard with one hand and dragging on a cig with the other. Don't forget to change hands halfway through though. Same thing applies when you're 'dolphin waxing' by the way.
Drugs There are various drugs you can use these days. Most of them aren't any good. The best thing, though, from what I've heard, is probably to sell them to friends and neighbours. That way, you can quickly amass a bit of money and get your own private medical team to worry about your health for you. In the old days, which were much better, doctors used to freely prescribe opium and amphetamines. These used to be marketed under the names Phyllosan, Wincarnis and Yeast-vite. People easily lost weight but they knew how to relax in the evenings and they always slept well. Study any picture from the 1950s. These people, apart from being dressed terribly, always look slim... but crucially, happy and relaxed. Think about this. Oh and never mix LSD and sennacot. I say this from personal experience. Although cleaning-up the church hall afterwards usually provides good exercise, once you've been bailed by the police on your own recognisance.
Sex: Sex was better in the old days. Especially with a partner involved . A bit of 'how's yer father' after six pints of Double Diamond on a Saturday night used to be the only exercise the working classes ever got in the poorer towns of southern England. This was best done under the covers, in pitch darkness, with your cloth cap still on, and then finished by shouting "Wah-hey!" after you'd crashed the yoghurt truck. It was followed by you whining: "Any bread and dripping in the larder, Luv?" Nowadays everyone expects sex all the time, with the result that nobody really likes it anymore. Sex therefore, is bad for you now and you shouldn't do it. Ever.