Copyright © 2005 Martin Newell
Pepys 0.1 Blogware © Steve Dix
Here are 10 points for dads of teenage girls, who may need to refresh their knowledge of the subject.
1) Foundation make-up. This is utterly, utterly important, even though you may have the flawless skin of a thirteen and a half year-old typical English Rose, you must have loads of it. It costs £7.50 a bottle and it's an absolute disaster if you run out of it first thing on a school morning because one of your friends must have been using it and can't you please, please have some money to buy some more right now, even though it's five to eight in the morning?.
2) Food. This isn't really important, Until it suddenly is. The best thing is to hardly eat anything all day, apart from eight cans of Coke and six packets of crisps, then rush home, don't even say hello, pull open the fridge door and say "When is dinner gonna be ready?" Eat loads of biscuits bits of toast and fruit while you're waiting, then only eat half of the nutritious dinner.that's been prepared for you Follow this up by eating loads of snacks until bed-time (whenever that is) including the last bit of bread and most of the pineapple juice. Don't forget to leave the milk the butter and everything else out on the kitchen surface. Oh and never eat breakfast. Not even if they try to force you.
3) Clothes You can never have enough of these. With school clothes, the best thing is to hide them when they're dirty, stuff them into the school-bag next to your uneaten sandwiches or why not simply leave them at a friend's house after school? Don't forget to leave it till midnight to tell your dad you haven't got a clean polo shirt for the next morning. Leisure clothes, though, are best left strewn over the furniture and all over the house, for easier access.
4) Hair: You're definitely going to need hair straighteners. These can be left switched on, for extra heating. Preferably leave them on your father's work-table. Hours must be spent with hair straighteners. And you'll need a gallon each of shampoo and conditioner. Conditioner is really good for coating the bathroom fittings and making the taps feel oddly slimy. Hair-brush? If you can't find your own, just use your father's only hairbrush and when you've finished with it, put it in a different place every time. It keeps him on his toes if he has to say, go and visit his accountant that day and he's late for the train.
5) The Bathroom. The bathroom is a citadel for the teenage girl. It must be occupied by stealth and you must set in for a long siege by anyone else who might just need to get in there. Only leave it when all the towels are soaked. Except, keep one big wet bath towel back so you can leave it on a living room chair later. It helps the chair stay damp.
6) The Computer. At all costs, keep your father away from this. He'll only use it as a work-station.
7) The Television: To be left on, always...and at top volume. It complements the hip-hop music which is rattling the speakers in their screws on the computer and because you're a teenage girl, unlike other people, you're perfectly capable of watching it while your back's turned and you're on Facebook. Oh and keep the i-pod headphones in while you're doing that. This is while you're text messaging on your mobile, using the webcam and talking on the landline.
8) The Land-line: All teenage girls know that the landline is absolutely free and so it's obviously best to phone your friends on their mobiles with it. The myth that this is expensive is only promoted by your father who is completely out of touch with the technology of today. Not only that but he's old and he smells of poo.
9) Lights and Heating: When in doubt just switch it all on and leave it all on. You never know-- even though it's now June, it still might suddenly get dark or a bit cold or something.
10) Beds and Laundry This is a bit of a mystery area for teenage girls. Nobody really knows how beds get made or how laundry gets done. But hell, they kind of do, don't they? So let's not dig too deeply there.
Coming soon. Martin's Guide To Budget Rest Homes.
A dynamic teenage girl in action, yesterday.